Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

Labels: Family-Advice

I am a retired 64 yr old engineer who raised my 2 daughters with the
bulk of the nurturing help coming from my mother from the age of 5 and
10 yrs old to their 30's. Both have good jobs and are stable mature
adults. Whenever they need financial help, I immediately respond with no
questions asked. I occasionally surprise them with several hundred
dollar gifts for no reason. With professional , costly help. I have
always aggressively positioned my estate (approx. $500,000) for growth
since I have no plans of ever using it for my needs. I have long term
care insurance and pay all bills immediately so that I will leave
nothing but money and no concerns to care for me if I degenerate to a
helpless condition.
My mother recently passed after I cared for her in-home until the age of
90. She left her estate to me and my 3 siblings. My daughters are upset
since they feel she should have left them something. They want money to
take care of their present needs. I understand this but don't trust
their financial judgment. Perhaps mother also sensed this and left them
a few thousands in bonds and let me decide what to finally do with what
she left me. If they are spoiled, I only blame myself since their mother
abandoned them at such an early age and I over compensated. If my
thinking is wrong, please let me know what to do since this has become a
major crisis for me. We all love each each very much and don't want this
to drive a wedge between us.

-Aaron



Hi Aaron,

My first thought after reading your email was that you seem to really love and care about your family. That is wonderful to know. As love is the best feeling for most people, love also has a way to complicate many situations.

I do not blame you for trying to give your daughters everything that you could. Most parents feel the same way - and it sounds like you have been lucky enough to be able to provide well for them.
Your mother sounds as she was a very generous soul to help take care of your daughters with you. Most grandmothers do not have the need to do this - and a grandparent-grandchild relationship tends to be a very different one than a parent-child relationship.
And do to the situation that your daughters grew up with - they do not understand the difference with the relationships.

To me it sounds like you already know how you feel about the situation. I am hearing that you do not feel that your girls are mature enough to handle valuables (at this time in their lives anyway).
Have you tried to explain why a grandmother would leave her assets to her own children - and then someday your children will inherit your assets?

"Communication is the essence of good relations." This is a quote I use in my everyday life - and this has helped to cease arguments and anxiety in my relationships. Talk to your daughters, help them to understand.

Good Luck,
Jill

Labels: Family-Advice

Hi there

I honestly hope you can give me a little advice, as my back is against the wall.
About 3 weeks ago my father in law passed on, my mom in law is still staying at there home but says it is too lonely with too many memories there, she now wishes to sell there home.
Her only daughter loves in Australia, who has said she must come and stay with her, of which she wont as I have a little girl of 4, she refuses to leave her.
She's willing to go over on holiday, but says she's gonna come back and stay with my self my husband and our little one temporary, then go to her sister, back and forth. So she basically will not have her own place, (she has another son of which she refuses to go there)
She then says i must get a bigger place so she has somewhere to go when she comes back, but it will be temporary but she is willing to help with expenses as we cannot at the moment afford anything bigger than what we have.
By saying temporary which she means 3 months of the year, why would she want to help with expenses, if its temporary.I have lived with her before and could not again as she is extremely interfering and controlling, we lived with her for 6 months before and if my husband and i where in bed she would not knock before entering the room after being told to. She tries to act like my Childs mother and under mine our authority, if my husband reprimands my daughter she literally stands in his way and shouts him down,it just wouldn't work, how can i let her down easy without hurting her feelings, or am i over reacting
Desperate please help

Gail M.


Hi Gail,

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.
My first suggestion is to communicate with your husband. You do not have to deal with this alone, you are in this together - a team.
Does he feel the same way as you? If so, he should help you tell your mother-in-law that she is not going to be able to stay with you (temporary or otherwise).
If he does not feel the same way as you (meaning he does not mind her staying with you for long periods at a time), then I suggest that you and your husband come to an agreement of what will be best for your immediate family (you, husband, child).
Stay calm. Remember that you are a woman who knows what her and her family need - and you have to do what you have do. Be brave and take risks - that is the only way to find true happiness in life.

Good luck Gail, and please let us know how things end up!

Love, Jill

Labels: Family-Advice

Dear Jill,

I am a first time "typer" to ANY advice column!
First, some backround....my sister's girl,"MY FAVORITE NIECE",has made us(my husband&I) very proud!As little as 5 yrs. ,my sister would put J. ,on a plane, to spend Summer with us ! WHEREVER...we were living!I thought we had a great relationship!
She(J) is now 31, a professor of English at a MA. college,married with a "handsome" baby boy!
As I do every year,visit with my sister ,a few weeks . Last year,baby was 2, I played with him,babysat him,sang ,danced & ate with him! A s000000 pleasant child!
When "we" were altogether,I "jested" about his pacifier,whined when he whined,& joked with him!
I went home......a month later ,I got a "reprimand"email from "favorite niece"!Stating ,I dented his self esteem ,etc ,by making fun of him!Also, she was "hurt" that I didn't spend MORE time with him!
Now, it is Summer ,again ,& my sister expects me to go up & visit her!
My heart is STILL paining from the total LACK OF RESPECT ,my niece showed me
I have tried to talk to her & explain my feelings & all I get is "Its water under the bridge"! BUT,,,,no other correspondence!!!
She used to type me EVERY time baby peed!!!!!!
I am hurt & uncomfortable to go face to face with her,,,,IF she even shows up at my sister's house while I'm there!
AM I "OVERREACTING"?????
"VERKLEMPTED" IN FLORIDA


Dear Verklempted in Florida,

I do not think you are overreacting at all. However, avoiding a problem won't help to make it better either. Confronting others is hard - but many people tend to feel better after all is said and done, whichever way the situation goes. Also this confrontation may help you in your own personal development.

This is your decision, and only you can make the decision - possibly a pro/con list will help? On one side you can think of good situations from visiting your sister. On the other side, you could think of any bad situations that may go down if you visit your sister and run into your niece.

Links that may help:
Pro Cons
Wikipedia Pro/Cons
Businessballs Pro/Cons

Good luck and feel free to write in and let us know what happens!

Love, Jill

Labels: Family-Advice