Hello Jill,
I have a friend I met a few years ago in college where we had the same major. We are now both in the same occupational field, but we work for different organizations. I had always know that she was very competitive in school, but I have noticed that she is also very competitive in terms of our jobs and levels of success. We have the exact same occupation, and she is constantly comparing her position, her salary, and her level of authority to mine. It is rather annoying and bothersome. After we both graduated, we were looking for jobs in other states, one state in particular. I was able to land a job in that location on my own (without any help from "people I knew in the field"), whereas she was not, and got a job at the school we graduated from because "she knew people there". She openly admitts that they helped her get the job. Ever since we began our careers (and me in this new location), I feel as though she has been trying to constantly compare our jobs and our lifestyles. I feel as though she may be a little jealous because she was not able to find the same success on her own in a completely new place, as I was able to. As a result, I feel like every time she comes to visit she finds a way to knock where I live, where I work, and my friends, which is ironic since she tried to get a job in the same place where I live and work...but was not successful in such, and relied on others to land a job. She intentionally tries to question why I live there, and what I find so special about it. I truly do think she is doing this on purpose to just build herself up, and save her own ego. What do you think? I sometimes believe you have to click the delete button on "friends" who may be toxic...do you agree?
I appreciate any insight,
Irritated "friend"
Dear Irritated "friend",
It sounds like you have had your ups and downs with this friend. You seem to have been very patient and caring with your friend, who may not be treating you the same way.
To me, it sounds as if this friend may have a low self-esteem and therefore showing her jealousy to you by attempting to show off and one-up you constantly.
I do agree that sometimes one must "click the delete button" (love the metaphor btw) on friends who are toxic. These friends tend to drain our energy and always help to put us in a bad mood. To keep our energy levels up (and at times our sanity) - it sometimes is smart to choose to not keep a toxic friend around.
If you choose to end the friendship, the hardest part is to make that decision known to the other party. Do you tell them verbally? Do you just let the friendship fade away? Do you ignore the calls and/or emails? Do you write an email/letter explanation? This is something that only you are able to decide. If you do choose to tell her - you may want to do this in a way that you won't become frustrated in the process. Sometimes an email or a letter will help prevent an argument or other stressful conclusion.
If you choose to keep the friendship - then you will have a few decisions to make. You can either continue to exercise patience by not saying anything to your friend or you can have a heart-to-heart with her. If you continue to say nothing, then you will also continue to feel drained by this friend, and will grow more resentment towards her (I do not suggest this route). If you do choose to express your feelings with her, then once again, you have many different ways to do this. If you tend to express yourself best verbally - give your friend a phone call. If you are best at writing, perhaps and email or a letter is best. Just remember to keep your friends feelings involved also. You shouldn't attack her - just try to explain without putting her on the defensive.
Good luck and keep us updated!
I have a friend I met a few years ago in college where we had the same major. We are now both in the same occupational field, but we work for different organizations. I had always know that she was very competitive in school, but I have noticed that she is also very competitive in terms of our jobs and levels of success. We have the exact same occupation, and she is constantly comparing her position, her salary, and her level of authority to mine. It is rather annoying and bothersome. After we both graduated, we were looking for jobs in other states, one state in particular. I was able to land a job in that location on my own (without any help from "people I knew in the field"), whereas she was not, and got a job at the school we graduated from because "she knew people there". She openly admitts that they helped her get the job. Ever since we began our careers (and me in this new location), I feel as though she has been trying to constantly compare our jobs and our lifestyles. I feel as though she may be a little jealous because she was not able to find the same success on her own in a completely new place, as I was able to. As a result, I feel like every time she comes to visit she finds a way to knock where I live, where I work, and my friends, which is ironic since she tried to get a job in the same place where I live and work...but was not successful in such, and relied on others to land a job. She intentionally tries to question why I live there, and what I find so special about it. I truly do think she is doing this on purpose to just build herself up, and save her own ego. What do you think? I sometimes believe you have to click the delete button on "friends" who may be toxic...do you agree?
I appreciate any insight,
Irritated "friend"
Dear Irritated "friend",
It sounds like you have had your ups and downs with this friend. You seem to have been very patient and caring with your friend, who may not be treating you the same way.
To me, it sounds as if this friend may have a low self-esteem and therefore showing her jealousy to you by attempting to show off and one-up you constantly.
I do agree that sometimes one must "click the delete button" (love the metaphor btw) on friends who are toxic. These friends tend to drain our energy and always help to put us in a bad mood. To keep our energy levels up (and at times our sanity) - it sometimes is smart to choose to not keep a toxic friend around.
If you choose to end the friendship, the hardest part is to make that decision known to the other party. Do you tell them verbally? Do you just let the friendship fade away? Do you ignore the calls and/or emails? Do you write an email/letter explanation? This is something that only you are able to decide. If you do choose to tell her - you may want to do this in a way that you won't become frustrated in the process. Sometimes an email or a letter will help prevent an argument or other stressful conclusion.
If you choose to keep the friendship - then you will have a few decisions to make. You can either continue to exercise patience by not saying anything to your friend or you can have a heart-to-heart with her. If you continue to say nothing, then you will also continue to feel drained by this friend, and will grow more resentment towards her (I do not suggest this route). If you do choose to express your feelings with her, then once again, you have many different ways to do this. If you tend to express yourself best verbally - give your friend a phone call. If you are best at writing, perhaps and email or a letter is best. Just remember to keep your friends feelings involved also. You shouldn't attack her - just try to explain without putting her on the defensive.
Good luck and keep us updated!
Labels: Friend-Advice
